A new, on-line gift shop offers unauthorized 'TSA products' which poke fun at the U.S. Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and hopes to find a market among the millions who feel outraged by the new airport security procedures.
Among its bootleg products, the Internet gift shop offers Gift Certificates, supposedly good for Deluxe TSA Full-Body Pat-Downs, 'TSA' training mugs, posters and other ‘study aids' plus a line of 'TSA Replacement Clothing' which include 'TSA' boxer shorts, “for those who may have had their underpants taken away during their recent strip search,” says the artist/owner/manager of TSA">GiftShop.com, Scott Gordon.
The centerpiece of the shop's offerings, says Gordon, is its 'TSA 2011 Wall Calendar' which provides a dozen artistic interpretations of the inside of TSA training facilities as well as the (perhaps nonexistent) 'TSA Secret Hospitality Centers' where, Gordon worries, “Unlucky members of the public may be invited to stay as a guest for an inordinate amount of time.”
“The products are educational, insightful, and possibly incite-ful,” says Gordon, who thinks the items will prove useful to anyone making a trip through airport security. As an example, he points out the April calendar page which offers tips on 'TSA Line Etiquette,' including, “the importance of carefully following directions and why it may not be a good idea to get out of line, without permission.”
The March calendar page, according to Gordon, focuses on “the widely-circulating urban legend that the TSA's Advanced Imaging Technology (AIT) has the capability to download and store nude images of suspects.”
Two calendar months are devoted to the agency's use of (perhaps nonexistent) 'Male Genital Detection Software' (MGDS) which Gordon envisions helps TSA agents assess the national security risks of 'male junk.'
“The TSA probably will deny that the MGDS software exists,” explains Gordon, “but most qualified conspiracy theorists feel absolutely certain that it is already incorporated into the AIT full-body scanners and discreetly masks 'male junk' with appropriately-sized metaphorical icons.” Gordon admits, however, that he can offer no proof that the MGDS actually exists.
For training purposes, educational mugs, posters, and other products in the gift shop illustrate examples of the on-screen, full-body scan-results of a stereotypical U.S. Senator and an Amish Peace Advocate to show how the software determines which of two such individuals might pose a greater threat to the nation's security.
In July, the calendar addresses the constitutional arguments against the TSA current search procedures and offers one possible explanation as to why the TSA may not feel the provisions of the 4th Amendment are applicable today: “First off, it was written on brown paper over 200 years ago by people who didn't even own iPods or flat-screen Click Here!">television sets, much less full-body scanners,” says Gordon.
November explores the TSA's 'Prohibited Items List,' and illustrates “some of the items which, for their own personal safety, passengers should avoid hiding in their underpants,” says Gordon. He elaborates by explaining, “Let's just say the list includes lots of thing with sharp edges but not just guillotines.”
Finally, next December, the calendar offers the complete transcript from TSA">GiftShop.com's recent YouTube video entitled: 'TSA: We're Sorry - Apology to Outraged American People for TSA Abuses.' “It’s really a preemptive apology for next season's busy holiday season,” Gordon explains.
About the gift shop's relationship with the security agency, Gordon says he thinks, “We're in sort of a unilateral, unofficial partnership. The TSA is like an unpaid, outside consulting artist, sort of a creative engine which provides the inspiration for most of our products. They're doing a great job.”
Asked if TSA">GiftShop.com is actually authorized by the infamous security agency, Gordon asserts, “Absolutely not. For the public's peace of mind we are completely independent of the TSA and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). Only by operating independently of the government can we hope the public will feel secure in knowing that profits from their purchases will not be used to buy more backscatter full-body scanners or powder-blue latex gloves.”
Gordon emphasizes that TSA">GiftShop.com is a commercial effort operating in the private sector: “To save the taxpayers money, and to assure efficiency, we've simply taken the initiative to privatize the TSA's gift shop along with a portion of their public relations,” says Gordon, who seems hesitant to reveal how much money the on-line gift shop makes, “in case the TSA decides to 'un-privatize' us, place us in one of its assisted-living 'Hospitality Centers' or, worse, compete with us, which we all know, would be a major disaster.”
“Right now,” says Gordon, “the TSA just needs to stay focused on airport security screenings, an area they haven't yet mastered.”
Who does he think will buy his bootleg TSA products? “TSA Job applicants, anyone who's felt embarrassed or humiliated or amused or outraged by the TSA's screening procedures, or maybe people who have suddenly realized the holiday gift-buying clock is running out,” says Gordon. “And, very definitely,” he adds, “everyone who works for the TSA or DHS. After all, they need wall calendars to know when the busy holiday seasons are approaching and, as we all know, they've got a great sense of humor.”
Bootleg TSA products may be purchased on-line at TSA">GiftShop.com
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